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Dear Rachel,
It's a rough world out there in the Phoneix area! It appears that as soon as I think I've found a nice Phoneix guy, I find out that he's really toxic. I'm in my 50's, and I'd like to believe I have developed good judgment. I'd like to feel that I can have faith in my instincts. But over and over, I keep picking the wrong guys. One is a liar, another is a cheater, and still another tells me he loves me only to never be heard from again. What blind spot do I have that keeps me from seeing these guys for what they are until it's too late? Are there any techniques I could use to filter out the jerks earlier in the search for my Prince Charming?
Signed,
Bad Luck Betty
Dear Betty,
Welcome to dating in Phoenix! This isn't the first letter of this sort that I have received. As a matter of fact, I have received hundreds of letters like it. Complaints and more complaints about the dearth of quality of single people in the Phoenix dating pool. The problem is that even if you could piece together some convoluted guidelines such as "Never date a man without a job" or "Never date a Democrat," the guidelines would be so arbitrary as to be meaningless. As soon as you found someone who you were strongly attacted to, you'd start changing the guidelines so as not to exclude them.
The best technique is to truly listen to what he says to you in the beginning, rather than filtering out what you don't want to hear. If you're on a first date with someone, and you've previously exchanged some flirtaeous (or soul-searching) email or share similar phone calls, you probably will tend to hear only the information that fits the fantasy version that you've created of your date. Perhaps something about him reminds you of another person you admire greatly, and you're so engaged rebuilding your date in this other person's image, that you don't time to view him as he really is. It's my belief that most people show their warning flags signs very early in the dating relationship, but unfortunately their date isn't paying close attention.
For example, say your date informs you that his last because of the many hours he put in at the office. Later he mentions in a quick aside that he was having an affair as well. What you hear is: "He has a strong work ethic." Not that he has problems establishing work/life balance, not that he's has been unfaithful in a relationship, but rather you focus on "What an ambitious guy he must be!" Why filter his story this way? Because you want to like him and you're attracted to him.
Maybe all selective filtering of facts are not so obvious. But you need to comprehend the inherent problem of selective listening, because later on when his behavior doesn't conform to the image of him you've created, You'll probably be able to search your memory and to find out why, where you actually could have predicted that this behavior.
You probably do have good judgment and can trust your instincts. What happens is that we tend to second-guess ourselves and override what our first instincts tell us. He may say that he would never lie to you like he did to his ex, and you think, "He looks so handsome! And he appears so ernest!" And before you know it, you find yourself mired in denial, only to find out a few months later that he has not been telling you the truth about many things.
This doesn't mean that you should always be a suspicious until proven wrong. One day you'll meet someone who is appears to be all that you are looking for, and he actually will be what he appears to be. Try to be an attentive and impartial listener while still being willing to lower your defenses and love. One day, you'll find your Prince Charming, and hopefully you will be able to recognize him.
Rachel Greenwald, M.B.A., is the author around McDowell Square Shopping Center of The New York Times Best Selling book Find a Husband in 85001 after 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School. She appeared here in 85001 on The Today Show and has been featured in Oprah Magazine, near 85001 fortune Magazine, and People Magazine. If you would like more tips by Arizona on dating after 40 or would like to submit a question by Phoenix to Rachel, please visit her website at www.findahusbandafter35.com.
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