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We all have hopes that our friends and dates will get along well, but it doesn't always work out that way. If you notice your honey ending toward snotty, angry remarks about one particular friend like, "Michelle has such a big ego, I don't understand why you want to be around her." there might be a bit of jealousy at play. Read on to learn what might be at the core of your partner's jealousy, how you might be unknowingly egging it on, and how the two of you can tame the monster together.
The start of jealousy
It's always good to know the reasons we get jealous in the first place. Robert Barrell, Ph.D., a Chicago psychotherapist specializing in gay and lesbian relationships, says, "Jealousy comes from feeling threatened by another person and not having any power to deal with those feelings. Jealousy says more about the person experiencing the threat than the person causing the threat." Because gay men and women often are freinds with both former and potential partners, your date might feel particularly vulnerable regarding those friendships where he or she senses potential sparks. "My boyfriend and his ex would hang out all the time," says Bob, 31, an editor from Andersonville. "No matter how often he told me they were through with their relationship, I couldn't in Illinois get rid of the fear that one day something would ignite between them and they'd get back together."
It isn't always sexual jealousy. Your partner might see the the connection you have with your best friend and desire to have that deep of a relationship with you. "Your jealous partner may see a quality in the relationship between you and your friend that he or she doesn't yet experience with you," says Kimberly Roberts, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist from Lincoln Park "A partner may sense a deep of emotional bond in the friendship that he or she feels isn't there between the two of you."
Communicating and Relating
No matter what the cause of your partner's jealousy, it's important to talk openly about it. It's even more important that you listen. Dr. Mandy Mollenwig, LCSW, a Gold Coast psychotherapist, suggests hearing your partner out without getting defensive or minimizing their issues. She says, "The first response ususally 'There's nothing to worry about,' but that doesn't solve the problem. You have to want to hear more about why your partner is disturbed by your friends. Being truly curious about your partner can open up some needed empathy about the situation." By being resepctful about their concerns, you can share how important friendships are to you. Address concerns respectfully and explain the importance of your friendships. Dr. Mollenwig says, "The long term trust that come srom growintg together and apart is a big part of a healthy relationship.."
It's also quite possible that your partner's gripe might be real. If you do still have some feelings for an ex that you have remaind friends with, even minor flirts might tip off your partner's jealousy. Dr. Roberts recommends that you be honest about your feelings and attractions for your ex with your partner if you believe their fears might be justified. When you talk about the situation you can offer your partner reassurance that the atrraction won't lead to a tryst. It might even be worth breaking off the freindship for the sake of your more imporant relationship with your new partner.
Even being more open with your friends that your partner can lead to real problems. "This emotional intimacy," says Dr. Mollenwig, "can trigger feelings of betrayal. A red flag is when you find your self sharing things about your history that you haven't discussed with your partner"." Talk about what behaviors trigger the jealousy and what you can do to make your mate feel more secure. Notes Dr. Roberts, "The goal for the couple should be to move the issue they're struggling with from 'you vs. me' to 'us vs. the problem.'"
One of the last things you should do is run to the source of the jealousy and share the issue wit them. You owe it to your partner to have the discussion them first, and that will likely add to the problem as well.
Dig deep
While sometimes the jealousy might be fleeting and your partner might be reasssured, in quite a few cases there are other issues that are the real root of the problem. "A low self-esteem can make someone feel chronically jealous of your friendships. They will be threatened that you could be easily taken away from them," Dr. Roberts. No matter if it is from prior relationship or other source, it is something that your partner is going to have to deal with him- or herself. Samantha, 27, from Schaumberg, says, "My ex cheated on me with on of her friends, so I would get really jealous of my current girlfriend's close relationships with other women. She told me they were totally innocent, but it still took me a while to realize that it was the baggage from my ex that had made me so insecure. I had to learn to deal with it before it ruined our relationship." Adds Dr. Mollenwig: "There is only so much you can do to change another persons feelings of jealousy. It is each person's onw process to reduce the feelings of the jealous threat."
While being direct is good, it's not a great idea to tell them "You've got issues." the preson needs to realize the problems themselves. Dr. Roberts says "If are honest that nothing is going on, your partner might come to his or her own conclusion that they are overreacting."
In some cases, Dr. Mollenwig says, jealousy may point to a deeper lack of trust, doubts about the relationship, or suppressed anger about other issues that he or she has not yet expressed directly to you. If deep converstatons don't seem to have any positive effect, it might be time for a more serious action like seeing a couples therapist. They can helo you and your partner get some perspective on the root of the underlying problems that can be setting off the jealous feelings." Don't sacrifice a friend if the real issue is a disconnect within your dating relationship. Dr. Roberts advises that you should get down to the real issue and work on building a relationship of trust with your partner.
Suzie Posednick is a freelance writer living in Evanston.
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