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 : Dating the silent type in Philadelphia? | She gained weight, he left Philadelphia?

Dating the silent type in Philadelphia?

Sometimes, getting a quiet dude from Philly to express himself openly can be like trying to open a walnut: You know (or at least you hope) that there's some tasty morsel of love or affection locked inside like a closed Red Lion Shopping Center, but short of taking a swing with a Pennsylvania steel worker's hammer, you don't know how to extract it without doing major damage. Since refusing to talk is mostly a male issue, we asked a local Philly daitng expert - Martin Milton, author of Real Talk for Men About Women - to offer advice for all you frustrated women out there.

"Men have an undeserved reputation for silence," Milton says. "It's not that they don't want to talk; it's that they don't want to talk about the same things women want to talk about. Guys want to talk about things like the Flyers, their jobs and Will Ferrell movies, while women want to speak about dreams and feelings. Women have a need for deep connection, and true intimacy, but to expect that kind of deep, open conversation from men is a bad fit. It's not that easy."

Sure this seems doomed, but not really. Here are Milton's tips for getting a Philadelphia guy to open up, at least somewhat:

Ask about a subject he knows a lot about. "If a guy is talking about an issue at his job, that can be a window into a conversation that's deeper. Ask him some open-ended questions like 'Why did that happen like that?' Men like to tell stories, and they'll show their feelings from their gestures and expressions." It's always a good idea to listen a bunch so that you can move into other topics at the right time. Don't expect someone to talk deeply when you are sharing about the sale you just got on shoes on Rittenhouse Row.

Timing is important. If your boyfriend gets quite when he's mad, Milton says, "Sometimes it's better to have some silence. I will take some patience. You need to wait until the situation is calmer. A guy will purposely withdraw because he doesn't want to be critiqued." In the same way, if he's engrossed the Sunday Eagles game, give him some space. "A man wants some freedom and independence, meaning he doesn't like to talk like a trained parrot. To him, watching the game is really important." In other words, wait until halftime to ask which pants you should wear with your new blouse.

Know when to give up. If you've been going out for a bit, you and your guy should be getting attuned to each other's moods. If the mood isn't there it might make a bad siuation worse. Pestering and poking isn't the answer. In the best relationships, Milton says, a guy might say, before a night out, "I don't really feel like talking much tonight, but you go ahead and have a fine time." In this case, do what he says: Talk openly to other people, and leave him to cool off by himself. Trying to goad him into conversation is only likely to make the his mood, and the situation worse.

Perfect your staritng point. Here are three things never to ask when you want a guy to talk: "What are you feeling?" or "Why do we never talk any more?" or "What do you think about our relationship?" just get them out of your vernacular. A better opening, Milton says, would be any of the following: "What's going on with your job?" or "Hey, how are the Phillies doing?" or "What do you think about that new iPhone?" Get him started here and soon you won't be able to quiet him down. Remember, you want him talking, and you can move him over to talking about your topics.



She gained weight, he left Philadelphia?

Hi Leah,
I am from Philideplipa and have been dating my boyfriend for over two years when he told me at the Rodin Museum that he "wanted some time." He said that it was due to a bunch of reasons, but the main one was because I had put on some weight. When we first met, I was wearing a size 6; two years later, I went up to a size 10. At that time, he mentioned my extra pounds; however, I did not feel bad about myself, so I didn't lose the weight. What can I say, alot of our dates were at some of the great Philadelphia restaurants like Alma de Cuba.

The issue became a big deal for us because he wasn't sure he could get over the fact that I did not shed the pounds at the drop of a hat. I worked hard and stared dropping some pounds, but he broke up with me when the pounds started coming off. That just hurt so badly. He talked about getting back together, but still blows me off. My head tells me to leave amd not look back, but my heart is telling me to stay. What's your thought?
–Hurt and Confused in Philly

Dear Hurt and Confused,
First, you may be surprised to know that you're smaller by far than average! Word is that the average Pennsylvania woman wears a size 14. No one, frankly, is quite sure who wears all those itty bity sizes, other than girls who are famous for just being famous. And your size isn't necessarily something to worry about. Yes, there are lots of overweight people with health problems, but there are also plenty of thin folks whose only exercise is chain-smoking and cheesesteak eating.

However, let's admit something: If your ex is into model thin girls, there's not a ton (no pun intended) we can do about it. In our already from image focused society, it's relatively pointless for us to change one dude, about what's wrong with - and unfair about - his unrealistic taste in woment and the affect that it can have on body image.

And actually, his preferences aren't really what's sending up the warning signs. What concerns me is the way that weight has illuminatedhis total inability or refusal to maintain a responsible, grown-up relationship together. For one thing, if your BMI is such a concern for him, he could say something like, "I had an idea. I'm thinking we could both stand less Gino's and need more exercise. If you get some veggies from the Italian Market, I'll make the effort to walk over and pick them up from you." Or honestly, he could raise the concern and say, "I love you, but I can't get over you've recent weight gain and that impacts how I feel about us as a couple. Can we talk about this; maybe get some advice? I'm concerned for you and want you look your best."

But no. Instead he gives you some junk about how he is upset you didn't lose weight when he wanted you to. That's not only lame, it's unrealistic. And then, when you do start to succeed, he still walks away. And then flakes promises of reconciliation that he obviously never really meant. This is a guy who is just not going to come through for you.

So listen to your head on this one. Don't think of it as fighting with heart. All your heart is saying is, "There were some good things here with that guy and I wish things could have been better." (If you have had some fun, which I'd bet you have, of course that's what it's saying!) I'll bet that your recent success has only helped your self-image and now you can have some fun on South Street and meet someone new.

Jenna Bass is creator of the website, Breakitoff.net A journalist here in Philadelphia County and essayist, Jenna also writes about gender, dating, and culture. In her spare time, she enjoys being married. Submit your own dating questions for Jenna at downtoearth.com Your question may be answered in a future from Philadelphia column.

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